Hi

This is probably one of the most hardest things for me to do is to talk about my depression. Apart from my depression, I have battled self-harm and self-esteem problems, but they will one day get their own blog post.

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It's hard to believe a person who has light in their eyes struggles with something like depression. There's no proper way of describing how I felt when it hit. You just feel like their something dead inside of you, that's making you act dead. You don't want to eat, sleep, see anybody, talk.. it just feels like you are in a lot of pain, yet you are numb to the feeling of it. It hurts, but at the same time you don't feel anything. Your mind is stuck somewhere unreachable. You walk, talk, sit in a room surrounded by people, but you feel far away. You hear people making conversations with you and you respond, it feels like you are there, but really you aren't. Your mind is too busy sinking itself into a black and cloudy atmosphere. The most painful thing is when you can't sleep. Laying in your bed reaching for your phone to check the time. It seems like an eternity. Soon without a warning you begin to fear the unthinkable. I feared the night. I feared the thought of being left alone. I feared who I had become. I feared myself.

I don't remember when I started to feel like this, I could say it was around the age of thirteen when one day it hit me. I had lost three friends, if they can even be called friends, losing them made me realize how I wasn't needed in their group. They showed me how I was never really a part of them. In a way, I knew I had always been their puppy and I settled for it because, well, it was better than nothing. I was so desperate to fit-in. They all knew each other, I was what they label "the new girl". I was the chubby one. I was the daydreamer. I was the supportive one. I was the one with great self-esteem and confidence, but all that tumbled down when our friendship ended. My self-esteem tumble down like a wall, I felt exposed and weak. I cried for so long. I felt stupid when I saw them together. They seemed so powerful in my head.

I began to notice my imperfections. I began to hate everything about myself. It wasn't losing them as friends, it was the fact they didn't care that made me realize how little I meant. Everything sound so stupid to me now, but once you feel unwanted, you began to ask yourself: why? It wasn't long after that, I began to feel ugly. I began to feel sad. My confidence was wiped away. My self-esteem was non-existent. Soon I found myself sitting at the edge of my bed not caring if tomorrow came.