The title of this post explains everything.

I am a mess. Literally. I feel like I have lost control of my life the past two weeks.

On September 10, 2016 my family and I received heartbroken news. A person who we much love and care for past away. It was hard. I was in denial for a whole day. I couldn't believe it... I still can't. I knew him since I was 8 years old. He was more than a family friend, he was like an uncle to us, he was family. We spent birthdays, Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving (etc.) with him and his family.

We spent his last Christmas and New Years with him.

We have so many memories of him, but now that is all we have left of him, pictures and memories. The last time he came to my house, we had a long conversation. He was lecturing me on how I should stop being scared and to go get my license, because he didn't like the fact I was driving illegally. I laughed and told him that I just didn't want to fail again. He told me that wouldn't happened, that he knew I was going to pass. He motivated me to apply again and take my test. I was waiting to see him soon to show him my license, I was waiting to see his face, I was waiting for him to congratulate me... but that never happened and it will never happened.

It burns my insides that I couldn't say goodbye that I didn't see him before it happened.

The last time I saw him was a day after my 20th birthday, at a party and I didn't even get one last dance with him.

The reason why I feel like I have lost control is because after this, I sinked into this cloud of sad, anger and annoyance. I was in a terrible mood, I didn't want to accept reality. It hurt, I felt this hole in my heart everytime I looked at his coffin. I felt out of control and that scared me, I was scared that I was slowly stepping back into my depression. I feel like these two weeks happened so fast that I don't know what really happened.

I was a mess, but it is all slowly going back to normal. I was stressed with all the load of schoolwork I had to catch up on, my job and trying to fix myself in the emotional level. Plus I love this blog and I want to be more active, so I will try my best to develop more content.

Thank you to whoever read this. I am okay. I didn't do this post for pity, because I don't need any. People are going through harder things in life. This is just a post of me releasing thoughts out on the open.

Love the people that surround you, don't go to bed mad at anybody because you never know if that is the last time you will see them.

x x