Hi
This is probably one of the most hardest things for me to do is to talk about my depression. Apart from my depression, I have battled self-harm and self-esteem problems, but they will one day get their own blog post.
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It's hard to believe a person who has light in their eyes struggles with something like depression. There's no proper way of describing how I felt when it hit. You just feel like their something dead inside of you, that's making you act dead. You don't want to eat, sleep, see anybody, talk.. it just feels like you are in a lot of pain, yet you are numb to the feeling of it. It hurts, but at the same time you don't feel anything. Your mind is stuck somewhere unreachable. You walk, talk, sit in a room surrounded by people, but you feel far away. You hear people making conversations with you and you respond, it feels like you are there, but really you aren't. Your mind is too busy sinking itself into a black and cloudy atmosphere. The most painful thing is when you can't sleep. Laying in your bed reaching for your phone to check the time. It seems like an eternity. Soon without a warning you begin to fear the unthinkable. I feared the night. I feared the thought of being left alone. I feared who I had become. I feared myself.
I don't remember when I started to feel like this, I could say it was around the age of thirteen when one day it hit me. I had lost three friends, if they can even be called friends, losing them made me realize how I wasn't needed in their group. They showed me how I was never really a part of them. In a way, I knew I had always been their puppy and I settled for it because, well, it was better than nothing. I was so desperate to fit-in. They all knew each other, I was what they label "the new girl". I was the chubby one. I was the daydreamer. I was the supportive one. I was the one with great self-esteem and confidence, but all that tumbled down when our friendship ended. My self-esteem tumble down like a wall, I felt exposed and weak. I cried for so long. I felt stupid when I saw them together. They seemed so powerful in my head.
I began to notice my imperfections. I began to hate everything about myself. It wasn't losing them as friends, it was the fact they didn't care that made me realize how little I meant. Everything sound so stupid to me now, but once you feel unwanted, you began to ask yourself: why? It wasn't long after that, I began to feel ugly. I began to feel sad. My confidence was wiped away. My self-esteem was non-existent. Soon I found myself sitting at the edge of my bed not caring if tomorrow came.
This is probably one of the most hardest things for me to do is to talk about my depression. Apart from my depression, I have battled self-harm and self-esteem problems, but they will one day get their own blog post.
-
It's hard to believe a person who has light in their eyes struggles with something like depression. There's no proper way of describing how I felt when it hit. You just feel like their something dead inside of you, that's making you act dead. You don't want to eat, sleep, see anybody, talk.. it just feels like you are in a lot of pain, yet you are numb to the feeling of it. It hurts, but at the same time you don't feel anything. Your mind is stuck somewhere unreachable. You walk, talk, sit in a room surrounded by people, but you feel far away. You hear people making conversations with you and you respond, it feels like you are there, but really you aren't. Your mind is too busy sinking itself into a black and cloudy atmosphere. The most painful thing is when you can't sleep. Laying in your bed reaching for your phone to check the time. It seems like an eternity. Soon without a warning you begin to fear the unthinkable. I feared the night. I feared the thought of being left alone. I feared who I had become. I feared myself.
I don't remember when I started to feel like this, I could say it was around the age of thirteen when one day it hit me. I had lost three friends, if they can even be called friends, losing them made me realize how I wasn't needed in their group. They showed me how I was never really a part of them. In a way, I knew I had always been their puppy and I settled for it because, well, it was better than nothing. I was so desperate to fit-in. They all knew each other, I was what they label "the new girl". I was the chubby one. I was the daydreamer. I was the supportive one. I was the one with great self-esteem and confidence, but all that tumbled down when our friendship ended. My self-esteem tumble down like a wall, I felt exposed and weak. I cried for so long. I felt stupid when I saw them together. They seemed so powerful in my head.
I began to notice my imperfections. I began to hate everything about myself. It wasn't losing them as friends, it was the fact they didn't care that made me realize how little I meant. Everything sound so stupid to me now, but once you feel unwanted, you began to ask yourself: why? It wasn't long after that, I began to feel ugly. I began to feel sad. My confidence was wiped away. My self-esteem was non-existent. Soon I found myself sitting at the edge of my bed not caring if tomorrow came.
All my life people have always judged my body. I was constantly pin-pointed as the fat one. As you grow older you begin to care for your looks, as much as I didn't want that to happen to me, it did and it was the worst. I remember being fourteen and standing infront of the mirror and the only thing that popped in my head was the word FAT.
My lowest point was in 2011. I had a stage from January till the beginning of May when I would constantly cry for no reason, I felt alone, sad and scared. I would pretend everything was fine at school, but once I got home the mask was thrown away. I wouldn't eat. I was often excusing myself from the table. I was skipping breakfast and dinner at times, because I felt disgust towards food. I was sucked into this black hole and that's when the suicidal thoughts creeped in and the addiction to release my pain by hurting myself. Yet, I was numb to it all.
I still remember my mother being scared because she didn't know what to do with me. I remember her taking me to the doctor. I remember her persuading me to talk to my counselor. She didn't know what to do. She and my father asked questions, but my answers weren't complete because I didn't even knew what was going on with me.
After a while it went away, but before I knew it, I was back in my closet crying in silence for no reason. Then it went away, but it came back and that's how it has been from that point. I never know when it's going to hit, but suddenly I wake up and I just feel like nothing is worth it anymore, like I'm not worth it anymore.
I am constantly afraid one day it will all come back. I'm afraid of losing control and begin harming myself again. I'm afraid of going back to the black hole I was once before. I'm afraid for the sleepless nights to come back. I'm afraid for the monsters inside my head to take over now that I am okay.
I didn't feel like this because my parents didn't care or didn't love me. I felt like this because I didn't love myself. I let the bullying comments, fake friends and my own personal negative thoughts take over. I'm not perfect. I had a "bad stage" myself. The only difference was that mine, didn't include clubs, alcohol nor drugs. Mine was silent. I sat on the closet floor, full of unknown pain and unaware of the scars I was giving myself.
x x
- 1:54:00 AM
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